Going on anyways

You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyways. –Robert Jordan

I am not so sure I am a good pastor. Some of you are gasping and others are nudging your neighbor and saying, “bout time he figured it out.” I have been given the impression that a spiritual leader is supposed to have it all together or at least know what he believes…I just don’t. Supposedly a pastor needs to be rock solid and unwavering in his convictions…I am not. If a Modernist were to look at me and classify me (which they love to do) I think they would say I was a seeker and then be very sensitive about what they said around me. J

I have been reading and talking to a lot of my friends and colleges about the so called “Faith Meltdown” that hits in the early twenties It is like the brain secretes an enzyme upon receiving that hard earned bachelors degree and says, “Doubt everything you have ever been told!” I think it hits men the hardest. I have really not dialoged with any women going through this. Maybe they just have the propriety to not voice their doubts to the world or it just hits them later in life. I am also finding that most of the older generation either did not go through this or they forget that it happened. I don’t get much sympathy when I voice that I question the prohibition on alcohol or that I dabble with open theism or that I think Tim LaHaye is an intellectual thief. Maybe they are just doing what their elders did to them.

On the one hand I like questioning. I don’t want to just take everything at face value. I have been trained too well for that. Besides, they tell me that life is too complex to answer every question with, “read the Bible and pray” or “just have faith.” I remember a time when that was all the answer I needed. It worked then…why not now? I am beginning to question the value of questioning everything. When does a little boyish rebellion turn into cynicism? Have I traded my joy in and become jaded?

Can a person just sit aside their doubts and not be intellectually dishonest? I like being a rebel and questing for answers but this new skin gets old pretty quick. I am starting to realize that there needs to be a couple things that you hammer down and honestly don’t touch. I still might not be sure of them but I have to choose to believe and move on anyways. If you have no anchor there is no point casting out to sea.

I have decided that I will always identify myself with Jesus Christ. He has convinced me and I will make his life, death and resurrection a “no fly zone” for doubt. I have sampled a lot of life without him and it is just too empty. I am willing to submit myself to him as an apprentice in the eternal/fullest kind of life he promised. I like the Apostles Creed. I am still shaky on the whole descent into hell but I am finding most people are.

Some would say I am giving up. “Question everything!” they shout, “Jesus is one of many ways…why are you teaching these kids only one path to God?” “He does not answer my questions sufficiently!” I say, “Welcome aboard, he does not answer all of mine either.” I am not sure the point of religion or God is to answer all my questions as if my inquiries into how he runs things are somehow new and important. I don’t know everything but I am not sure that it is God’s job to convince me. When I read the scriptures I see Christ presenting Truth and then allowing people to make up their own mind to believe him or not. I am pretty sure God is confident in his position and his views. Are we going to jump on board or not? Jesus never asked people to question him. I believed he asked them to follow him.

It is said that when the student is ready the master will appear. I believe that when the questioner is ready the answers will appear. Maybe not on this side of the Veil but someday we will see clearly. Can I be patient for that day when my Master has decided to let me know beyond the shadow of doubt? I guess I am just going to have to stick with him to find out.

Some things I am still working on…wanna help me out?

I think I am rejecting the idea of Sola Scriptora (Scripture alone). I find it leads to Bible theism. Besides, I sometimes find God more in nature, people and Lord of the Rings. The Bible is an awesome source for guidance and a great tool to test the spirits so to speak but it is a means to a greater end…knowing God.

I have rejected American (or should I say Modern) individualism in favor of community. Call me emergent but I like people. Do I like them too much though? Where do individualism and community meet? I believe God works on both levels equally.

I have embraced the veneration of Saints. Ok, my version of it. I don’t pray to them but I do find knowing those who have gone before and being a student of past mistakes to be an invaluable tool. I am tired of the evangelical fear of getting a little medieval. What are some other fears that we can cast aside?

Speaking of medieval, I am a now joining the ranks of the self-appointed Medievalists like Tolkien, Lewis and MacDonald. I like sagas and myths and fairy tales and want to reawaken the slumbering giant of Chivalry. (Note I am not equating myself to these men just naming a few of the more famous members of my most noble and ancient Order). Is anyone else with me?

More to come…still thinking…