After about a month long hiatus I am back and have 2 new articles. One good the other is mostly fluff. I am sorry for the delay. We are making some big changes in our youth program and Lindsay had pseudo pneumonia so my mind has been anywhere but online.
Hope you enjoy,
Justin
Monday, February 27, 2006
Thoughts on Marriage Vol 1
Since I have only been married 6 months or so; I really don’t know much. So all you pros can get a good chuckle at me and all you single and engaged folk can chuckle and say, “That won’t happen to me.” Then the pros and I will chuckle at you 6 months from now.
Some things I am learning about marriage:
It is harder than you think. Imagine you take two people who are total opposites and make them live together for the rest of their lives. It would be total chaos for at least the first couple years if not forever. No matter how you mix it, it will get messy. Now imagine two people who think they are so perfect and alike (but really aren’t) and put them together for the rest of their lives. Chaos ensues. I love my wife dearly but we are finding out more and more just how different we are.
I think it started with the toilet seat. I had this fantasy woman who did not care about the toilet seat. It could be up or down and she did not care. I have found out through 6 months of rigorous empirical study that SHE DOES NOT EXIST. I thought Linds didn’t care about the toilet seat. I was wrong. It is not one of those things that really matters in the grand scheme of things (and yes I find myself putting it down these days) but it goes to show you that a lot of things you think you know about someone are really just in your head. Many things don’t come up in conversation until you live with someone.
Yet it is better than you think. Nothing really prepares you for how good marriage can be. There is just something nice about coming home to someone who loves you. Sure she likes the toilet seat down and she makes funny noises when she sleeps but she loves me and that makes all the difference. There is nothing like the rush when my wife says “come hug me” or “talk to me” or the always exciting “come to bed with me.” Where the rubber meets the road it is nice to have a friend that will not leave you. Death or neglect are the only things that can truly sever a marriage. Unlike college, jobs and girlfriends, marriage does not end.
I am more selfish than I realize. I have always been a little rough around the edges. One might even say that I am at rare times abrasive and irrational but overall I am a nice guy. That was until I got the mirror, her name is Lindsay, and through her I see everything. I say I love her so much. The mirror often tells me I love myself more. I say I’m sorry the mirror indicates I am not. Marriage is the ultimate reflection of me and sometimes I don’t see what I like. I think this is why so many marriages fall apart. It is hard to face yourself.
Love is more strongly rooted in the will than any other part of you. You have to choose to love someone. The more you choose to love someone the stronger the will and desire becomes (you say duh…try being married). Almost every decision I make can be tied to “Am I loving Lindsay by doing this or am I not.” Just like my partnership with God, my life is bound to my wife irreversibly. This causes a lot of complications to my personal agenda and like all exercise it can be tiring but I am better for choosing to love her.
Through marriage I am confronted with a lot of ugliness in me. It is tough but when I find that I am reacting differently to situations. When I see myself through her eyes and she is pleased. It really makes it worth it. I see more of myself but I have been able to put off more selfishness that I ever could have alone. There are times I find myself just wanting to love Lindsay for no gain or sex but just to love her. It’s good.
How many of you have had this harder/better or selfish/mirror experience? Some comments from pros would be helpful. I heard it takes about 10 years to really begin to become one…is this accurate? Given my experience which is the greater path to holiness; marriage or monkery?
Talk amongst yourselves J
Some things I am learning about marriage:
It is harder than you think. Imagine you take two people who are total opposites and make them live together for the rest of their lives. It would be total chaos for at least the first couple years if not forever. No matter how you mix it, it will get messy. Now imagine two people who think they are so perfect and alike (but really aren’t) and put them together for the rest of their lives. Chaos ensues. I love my wife dearly but we are finding out more and more just how different we are.
I think it started with the toilet seat. I had this fantasy woman who did not care about the toilet seat. It could be up or down and she did not care. I have found out through 6 months of rigorous empirical study that SHE DOES NOT EXIST. I thought Linds didn’t care about the toilet seat. I was wrong. It is not one of those things that really matters in the grand scheme of things (and yes I find myself putting it down these days) but it goes to show you that a lot of things you think you know about someone are really just in your head. Many things don’t come up in conversation until you live with someone.
Yet it is better than you think. Nothing really prepares you for how good marriage can be. There is just something nice about coming home to someone who loves you. Sure she likes the toilet seat down and she makes funny noises when she sleeps but she loves me and that makes all the difference. There is nothing like the rush when my wife says “come hug me” or “talk to me” or the always exciting “come to bed with me.” Where the rubber meets the road it is nice to have a friend that will not leave you. Death or neglect are the only things that can truly sever a marriage. Unlike college, jobs and girlfriends, marriage does not end.
I am more selfish than I realize. I have always been a little rough around the edges. One might even say that I am at rare times abrasive and irrational but overall I am a nice guy. That was until I got the mirror, her name is Lindsay, and through her I see everything. I say I love her so much. The mirror often tells me I love myself more. I say I’m sorry the mirror indicates I am not. Marriage is the ultimate reflection of me and sometimes I don’t see what I like. I think this is why so many marriages fall apart. It is hard to face yourself.
Love is more strongly rooted in the will than any other part of you. You have to choose to love someone. The more you choose to love someone the stronger the will and desire becomes (you say duh…try being married). Almost every decision I make can be tied to “Am I loving Lindsay by doing this or am I not.” Just like my partnership with God, my life is bound to my wife irreversibly. This causes a lot of complications to my personal agenda and like all exercise it can be tiring but I am better for choosing to love her.
Through marriage I am confronted with a lot of ugliness in me. It is tough but when I find that I am reacting differently to situations. When I see myself through her eyes and she is pleased. It really makes it worth it. I see more of myself but I have been able to put off more selfishness that I ever could have alone. There are times I find myself just wanting to love Lindsay for no gain or sex but just to love her. It’s good.
How many of you have had this harder/better or selfish/mirror experience? Some comments from pros would be helpful. I heard it takes about 10 years to really begin to become one…is this accurate? Given my experience which is the greater path to holiness; marriage or monkery?
Talk amongst yourselves J
More thoughts on the lack of men in the Church
“The church at present has been characterized as a place for women, wierdos and wimps” – “Why Men Hate Going to Church”
I have been reading this book and many others about church history and masculinity. What has happened to all the “real men”? I am not talking about the drinking/carousing/foul mouthed “real men.” I am talking about the bold, strong, courageous men that I read about in scripture and history but see few hints of in the average pew. I think they are there. I hope I am one of them, but I feel like we are all in hiding.
Often, I feel like I have to check my manhood at the door. I can’t be bold or courageous; I have to emulate “gentle Jesus meek and mild.” I can’t say what is really on my heart; someone’s feelings might get hurt. I know the fruit of the Spirit is “Love, joy, peace…kindness…gentleness…etc.” but we forget that all that is in the context of a rather pointed letter to the “foolish Galatians.” Besides, do we really have a biblical understanding of gentleness and kindness?
I wonder when the hiding started. Is it in Sunday school? Don’t talk, sit still, answer questions, play nice, be relational are all things girls are good at and most boys aren’t. In the end, “boys are treated like defective girls,” and resign themselves to being a little less spiritual. Was it during the Victorian era? When all the men had to leave the town to work in the mines and women began to shape and decorate the church.
Before I get crucified by all the ladies reading I want to say I am not bashing femininity. I am merely observing that the feminine spirit is alive and well while the masculine lays dormant, waiting for the chance to prove itself. The Church is by and large 80% female. No other world religion has this big of a gender deficit. Where are all the Christian men? Are we really less spiritual or are we just unable to be men given the present way we “do church”? Have you ever noticed this or is this just the absurd ramblings of the youth pastor? We have debated this issue for a while but really…how can the masculine spirit make a comeback?
Talk amongst yourselves J
Suggested Reading:
“Why Men Hate Going to Church” - Marrow
“Wild at Heart” - Eldredge
“All the King’s Men” - Weber
“Iron John” - Bly
I have been reading this book and many others about church history and masculinity. What has happened to all the “real men”? I am not talking about the drinking/carousing/foul mouthed “real men.” I am talking about the bold, strong, courageous men that I read about in scripture and history but see few hints of in the average pew. I think they are there. I hope I am one of them, but I feel like we are all in hiding.
Often, I feel like I have to check my manhood at the door. I can’t be bold or courageous; I have to emulate “gentle Jesus meek and mild.” I can’t say what is really on my heart; someone’s feelings might get hurt. I know the fruit of the Spirit is “Love, joy, peace…kindness…gentleness…etc.” but we forget that all that is in the context of a rather pointed letter to the “foolish Galatians.” Besides, do we really have a biblical understanding of gentleness and kindness?
I wonder when the hiding started. Is it in Sunday school? Don’t talk, sit still, answer questions, play nice, be relational are all things girls are good at and most boys aren’t. In the end, “boys are treated like defective girls,” and resign themselves to being a little less spiritual. Was it during the Victorian era? When all the men had to leave the town to work in the mines and women began to shape and decorate the church.
Before I get crucified by all the ladies reading I want to say I am not bashing femininity. I am merely observing that the feminine spirit is alive and well while the masculine lays dormant, waiting for the chance to prove itself. The Church is by and large 80% female. No other world religion has this big of a gender deficit. Where are all the Christian men? Are we really less spiritual or are we just unable to be men given the present way we “do church”? Have you ever noticed this or is this just the absurd ramblings of the youth pastor? We have debated this issue for a while but really…how can the masculine spirit make a comeback?
Talk amongst yourselves J
Suggested Reading:
“Why Men Hate Going to Church” - Marrow
“Wild at Heart” - Eldredge
“All the King’s Men” - Weber
“Iron John” - Bly
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