Hearing God and being a pastor

“Only when we have ourselves absorbed its (The Word’s) message can we confidently share it with others” -John Stott Between Two Worlds

In the past I thought I reflected the Word to others pretty well. Any and every lesson I learned was neatly packaged and marketed. God's Word was spoken well but rarely absorbed into my life. I was a mirror without a sense of itself and a sponge that never got wet. I can remember times sharing in college and as a youth pastor and in the middle of a sentence that annoying still small voice would whisper, “Do you really believe this?” Naturally I would ignore this voice and go on with my message.

Doctor’s often ignore their symptoms and believe they can’t be sick and I think that the same can be true of pastors. I am not sure if it was the pressure to perform and uphold my reputation. Maybe I am just not good at planning ahead but rarely did I allow my messages affect me first. Even during times of self reflection and personal study, when God would speak to me I would quickly divert it into an idea for a message. I am left wondering that in around 3+ years of ministry have I grown at all. Have I just not allowed God to touch me?

As of right now I am not in the ministry in an official capacity i.e. paid. I am seeing this as a time to do some much needed study. Not for a message or to even share my fascinating revelations with everyone I see. I want to be absorbed by God for God’s sake not for my rep or my paycheck. I am so guilty of using God to make me look good and that could quite possibly be the reason that I have not heard from God in longer than I care to admit. I now believe that some of this silence could be due to the fact that His most important lessons I have not kept quietly to myself.