Since I have only been married 6 months or so; I really don’t know much. So all you pros can get a good chuckle at me and all you single and engaged folk can chuckle and say, “That won’t happen to me.” Then the pros and I will chuckle at you 6 months from now.
Some things I am learning about marriage:
It is harder than you think. Imagine you take two people who are total opposites and make them live together for the rest of their lives. It would be total chaos for at least the first couple years if not forever. No matter how you mix it, it will get messy. Now imagine two people who think they are so perfect and alike (but really aren’t) and put them together for the rest of their lives. Chaos ensues. I love my wife dearly but we are finding out more and more just how different we are.
I think it started with the toilet seat. I had this fantasy woman who did not care about the toilet seat. It could be up or down and she did not care. I have found out through 6 months of rigorous empirical study that SHE DOES NOT EXIST. I thought Linds didn’t care about the toilet seat. I was wrong. It is not one of those things that really matters in the grand scheme of things (and yes I find myself putting it down these days) but it goes to show you that a lot of things you think you know about someone are really just in your head. Many things don’t come up in conversation until you live with someone.
Yet it is better than you think. Nothing really prepares you for how good marriage can be. There is just something nice about coming home to someone who loves you. Sure she likes the toilet seat down and she makes funny noises when she sleeps but she loves me and that makes all the difference. There is nothing like the rush when my wife says “come hug me” or “talk to me” or the always exciting “come to bed with me.” Where the rubber meets the road it is nice to have a friend that will not leave you. Death or neglect are the only things that can truly sever a marriage. Unlike college, jobs and girlfriends, marriage does not end.
I am more selfish than I realize. I have always been a little rough around the edges. One might even say that I am at rare times abrasive and irrational but overall I am a nice guy. That was until I got the mirror, her name is Lindsay, and through her I see everything. I say I love her so much. The mirror often tells me I love myself more. I say I’m sorry the mirror indicates I am not. Marriage is the ultimate reflection of me and sometimes I don’t see what I like. I think this is why so many marriages fall apart. It is hard to face yourself.
Love is more strongly rooted in the will than any other part of you. You have to choose to love someone. The more you choose to love someone the stronger the will and desire becomes (you say duh…try being married). Almost every decision I make can be tied to “Am I loving Lindsay by doing this or am I not.” Just like my partnership with God, my life is bound to my wife irreversibly. This causes a lot of complications to my personal agenda and like all exercise it can be tiring but I am better for choosing to love her.
Through marriage I am confronted with a lot of ugliness in me. It is tough but when I find that I am reacting differently to situations. When I see myself through her eyes and she is pleased. It really makes it worth it. I see more of myself but I have been able to put off more selfishness that I ever could have alone. There are times I find myself just wanting to love Lindsay for no gain or sex but just to love her. It’s good.
How many of you have had this harder/better or selfish/mirror experience? Some comments from pros would be helpful. I heard it takes about 10 years to really begin to become one…is this accurate? Given my experience which is the greater path to holiness; marriage or monkery?
Talk amongst yourselves J
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4 comments:
Hear hear, Justin!
I would echo pretty much everything you said (and, on a side note, brag that MY husband puts down not only the seat, but the lid, with no prodding from me...he was well-trained by his mom ;)
In all seriousness...I am no pro (just six weeks ahead of you) but have found the same truths evident in my own marriage. In fact I even wrote a post a few months ago called "The Mirror of Marriage" here.
It is so hard...but it is so good!
Give that beautiful wife of yours a big hug for me. I miss her tons.
the mirror is a very good representation of marriage. and i agree that what people see is themselves and that is why a lot of marriages fall apart. to see yourself at your worst is a horrible things. but the times when you see yourself and her at your best is so worth it.
marriage is a good thing
I really appreciated your comments. There is a great deal of truth in your reflections, especially your revelations about selfishness.
In my year of marriage, and even the months that preceded when we were making future plans, I found myself thinking in terms of "We." I think it is the most transitional and challenging thing to think of what is best for the two of us. I can think of what is best for me but it may not best for us, or of what is best for her but may not be best for us (often if it is best for her I make it best for us because I approach it with the philosophy of her happiness means our happiness).
God bless you two. Keep in touch.
hey, this is jenny richardson, girl without a blog,
i really appreciated your honesty about your experience in marriage and i can say in agreement with my husband's previous post that we had the hardest time when we are focused on self and only seeing self.
we are only one year and eight months into this journey, but i can truthfully say that the second year is sweeter after learning the lessons from the first. I guess i can confess that the first few months i spent looking to my own interests and also looking at all the blissful newlyweds around me. and i wondered, why can i be so frustrated at times? am i a bad person because we appear to have more struggles than others?
i am finding that just as a single person my moments of contentment were when i am focused on what Christ wants for my life, my moments of contentment in marriage are found when focused on what Christ wants for our life and what He wants to teach us through marriage.
so thank you for your thoughts and for your honesty. i have found that some of the most healing conversations with mentors in my life are when they reveal some of the pain and blessings of their early years telling me that we are not alone in the challenge and that the blessings are oh so worth it!
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