Since I have only been married 6 months or so; I really don’t know much. So all you pros can get a good chuckle at me and all you single and engaged folk can chuckle and say, “That won’t happen to me.” Then the pros and I will chuckle at you 6 months from now.
Some things I am learning about marriage:
It is harder than you think. Imagine you take two people who are total opposites and make them live together for the rest of their lives. It would be total chaos for at least the first couple years if not forever. No matter how you mix it, it will get messy. Now imagine two people who think they are so perfect and alike (but really aren’t) and put them together for the rest of their lives. Chaos ensues. I love my wife dearly but we are finding out more and more just how different we are.
I think it started with the toilet seat. I had this fantasy woman who did not care about the toilet seat. It could be up or down and she did not care. I have found out through 6 months of rigorous empirical study that SHE DOES NOT EXIST. I thought Linds didn’t care about the toilet seat. I was wrong. It is not one of those things that really matters in the grand scheme of things (and yes I find myself putting it down these days) but it goes to show you that a lot of things you think you know about someone are really just in your head. Many things don’t come up in conversation until you live with someone.
Yet it is better than you think. Nothing really prepares you for how good marriage can be. There is just something nice about coming home to someone who loves you. Sure she likes the toilet seat down and she makes funny noises when she sleeps but she loves me and that makes all the difference. There is nothing like the rush when my wife says “come hug me” or “talk to me” or the always exciting “come to bed with me.” Where the rubber meets the road it is nice to have a friend that will not leave you. Death or neglect are the only things that can truly sever a marriage. Unlike college, jobs and girlfriends, marriage does not end.
I am more selfish than I realize. I have always been a little rough around the edges. One might even say that I am at rare times abrasive and irrational but overall I am a nice guy. That was until I got the mirror, her name is Lindsay, and through her I see everything. I say I love her so much. The mirror often tells me I love myself more. I say I’m sorry the mirror indicates I am not. Marriage is the ultimate reflection of me and sometimes I don’t see what I like. I think this is why so many marriages fall apart. It is hard to face yourself.
Love is more strongly rooted in the will than any other part of you. You have to choose to love someone. The more you choose to love someone the stronger the will and desire becomes (you say duh…try being married). Almost every decision I make can be tied to “Am I loving Lindsay by doing this or am I not.” Just like my partnership with God, my life is bound to my wife irreversibly. This causes a lot of complications to my personal agenda and like all exercise it can be tiring but I am better for choosing to love her.
Through marriage I am confronted with a lot of ugliness in me. It is tough but when I find that I am reacting differently to situations. When I see myself through her eyes and she is pleased. It really makes it worth it. I see more of myself but I have been able to put off more selfishness that I ever could have alone. There are times I find myself just wanting to love Lindsay for no gain or sex but just to love her. It’s good.
How many of you have had this harder/better or selfish/mirror experience? Some comments from pros would be helpful. I heard it takes about 10 years to really begin to become one…is this accurate? Given my experience which is the greater path to holiness; marriage or monkery?
Talk amongst yourselves J
Monday, February 27, 2006
More thoughts on the lack of men in the Church
“The church at present has been characterized as a place for women, wierdos and wimps” – “Why Men Hate Going to Church”
I have been reading this book and many others about church history and masculinity. What has happened to all the “real men”? I am not talking about the drinking/carousing/foul mouthed “real men.” I am talking about the bold, strong, courageous men that I read about in scripture and history but see few hints of in the average pew. I think they are there. I hope I am one of them, but I feel like we are all in hiding.
Often, I feel like I have to check my manhood at the door. I can’t be bold or courageous; I have to emulate “gentle Jesus meek and mild.” I can’t say what is really on my heart; someone’s feelings might get hurt. I know the fruit of the Spirit is “Love, joy, peace…kindness…gentleness…etc.” but we forget that all that is in the context of a rather pointed letter to the “foolish Galatians.” Besides, do we really have a biblical understanding of gentleness and kindness?
I wonder when the hiding started. Is it in Sunday school? Don’t talk, sit still, answer questions, play nice, be relational are all things girls are good at and most boys aren’t. In the end, “boys are treated like defective girls,” and resign themselves to being a little less spiritual. Was it during the Victorian era? When all the men had to leave the town to work in the mines and women began to shape and decorate the church.
Before I get crucified by all the ladies reading I want to say I am not bashing femininity. I am merely observing that the feminine spirit is alive and well while the masculine lays dormant, waiting for the chance to prove itself. The Church is by and large 80% female. No other world religion has this big of a gender deficit. Where are all the Christian men? Are we really less spiritual or are we just unable to be men given the present way we “do church”? Have you ever noticed this or is this just the absurd ramblings of the youth pastor? We have debated this issue for a while but really…how can the masculine spirit make a comeback?
Talk amongst yourselves J
Suggested Reading:
“Why Men Hate Going to Church” - Marrow
“Wild at Heart” - Eldredge
“All the King’s Men” - Weber
“Iron John” - Bly
I have been reading this book and many others about church history and masculinity. What has happened to all the “real men”? I am not talking about the drinking/carousing/foul mouthed “real men.” I am talking about the bold, strong, courageous men that I read about in scripture and history but see few hints of in the average pew. I think they are there. I hope I am one of them, but I feel like we are all in hiding.
Often, I feel like I have to check my manhood at the door. I can’t be bold or courageous; I have to emulate “gentle Jesus meek and mild.” I can’t say what is really on my heart; someone’s feelings might get hurt. I know the fruit of the Spirit is “Love, joy, peace…kindness…gentleness…etc.” but we forget that all that is in the context of a rather pointed letter to the “foolish Galatians.” Besides, do we really have a biblical understanding of gentleness and kindness?
I wonder when the hiding started. Is it in Sunday school? Don’t talk, sit still, answer questions, play nice, be relational are all things girls are good at and most boys aren’t. In the end, “boys are treated like defective girls,” and resign themselves to being a little less spiritual. Was it during the Victorian era? When all the men had to leave the town to work in the mines and women began to shape and decorate the church.
Before I get crucified by all the ladies reading I want to say I am not bashing femininity. I am merely observing that the feminine spirit is alive and well while the masculine lays dormant, waiting for the chance to prove itself. The Church is by and large 80% female. No other world religion has this big of a gender deficit. Where are all the Christian men? Are we really less spiritual or are we just unable to be men given the present way we “do church”? Have you ever noticed this or is this just the absurd ramblings of the youth pastor? We have debated this issue for a while but really…how can the masculine spirit make a comeback?
Talk amongst yourselves J
Suggested Reading:
“Why Men Hate Going to Church” - Marrow
“Wild at Heart” - Eldredge
“All the King’s Men” - Weber
“Iron John” - Bly
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Getting what you pay for
I pay good money for my entertainment every week…about 10% - anonymous
Entertainment is a great thing isn’t it. It is so good to just sit back and relax and watch someone else do what they love. It could be acting, playing football, or speeding through France on a bike. Whatever it is, we Americans love our entertainment. When I was a kid I remember going to watch the Cincinnati Reds with my Dad (this was in the ancient times when they were actually good). I remember watching them and wanting to be like them. I would pretend that I was Chris Sabo and my little league baseball field would somehow be transformed into Riverfront Stadium (now Cenergy Field). Even though I was awful at baseball I would be inspired by a good game.
I did this through out my life with just about every kind of entertainment. I was inspired by good books about knights, movies about bravery and the determination of a football team to get one more yard. When I saw or heard something great I would imitate it to the best of my ability. When King Arthur said, “Be honorable,” I took it to heart. As I grew older though, I began to be less inspired by the entertainment industry and more, well, entertained. It became more of a spectacle to watch and marvel at. A director’s skill would not inspire me to make movies; I would just sit and say it was neat. I put away the swords and songs and picked up “real life” and “respectable dreams.”
I wonder if this entertainment attitude has infected the church. We often come to be entertained but not transformed. We pay good money for good music and a good speech and walk away feeling pretty good about ourselves. We end up coming but never changing. We will criticize the “poor special effects” and miss Christ.
What would happen if we took a different approach? What if we started looking at the professional ministers and were inspired to do ministry? You don’t have to be paid to play baseball well; why would following Christ be any different? What if we held off our American need to be constantly entertained and actually did something inspiring? Let’s stop going to church like we go to the movies. Movies can speak but only God can transform. Will you be open to transformation or will you just pay 10% for a good show?
Am I right about the “entertainment me” attitude of the average churchgoer? Is the answer just to make church more entertaining and flashy? It is a big temptation but is it right? Where did we loose the transformational message of Christ?
Talk amongst yourselves - J
Ok so these questions have been pondered before but I have had writers block and needed to get something out. Hope it is still helpful
Entertainment is a great thing isn’t it. It is so good to just sit back and relax and watch someone else do what they love. It could be acting, playing football, or speeding through France on a bike. Whatever it is, we Americans love our entertainment. When I was a kid I remember going to watch the Cincinnati Reds with my Dad (this was in the ancient times when they were actually good). I remember watching them and wanting to be like them. I would pretend that I was Chris Sabo and my little league baseball field would somehow be transformed into Riverfront Stadium (now Cenergy Field). Even though I was awful at baseball I would be inspired by a good game.
I did this through out my life with just about every kind of entertainment. I was inspired by good books about knights, movies about bravery and the determination of a football team to get one more yard. When I saw or heard something great I would imitate it to the best of my ability. When King Arthur said, “Be honorable,” I took it to heart. As I grew older though, I began to be less inspired by the entertainment industry and more, well, entertained. It became more of a spectacle to watch and marvel at. A director’s skill would not inspire me to make movies; I would just sit and say it was neat. I put away the swords and songs and picked up “real life” and “respectable dreams.”
I wonder if this entertainment attitude has infected the church. We often come to be entertained but not transformed. We pay good money for good music and a good speech and walk away feeling pretty good about ourselves. We end up coming but never changing. We will criticize the “poor special effects” and miss Christ.
What would happen if we took a different approach? What if we started looking at the professional ministers and were inspired to do ministry? You don’t have to be paid to play baseball well; why would following Christ be any different? What if we held off our American need to be constantly entertained and actually did something inspiring? Let’s stop going to church like we go to the movies. Movies can speak but only God can transform. Will you be open to transformation or will you just pay 10% for a good show?
Am I right about the “entertainment me” attitude of the average churchgoer? Is the answer just to make church more entertaining and flashy? It is a big temptation but is it right? Where did we loose the transformational message of Christ?
Talk amongst yourselves - J
Ok so these questions have been pondered before but I have had writers block and needed to get something out. Hope it is still helpful
Friday, December 16, 2005
Stasis
Axiom: Apart from me you can do nothing – Jesus Christ
Reverse Axiom: If you do nothing it will certainly be without Him – Justin Gentry
We tend to like things as they were. Old timers are notorious for this, “In my day we (insert nostalgic nonsense about walking up hill both ways which I know is impossible).” Anyone who has graduated college is almost as bad, “I remember in school we…” Even kids fall victim to it, “Last year we…” Face it folks, we all compare today with the past.
The past is the only context we have to interpret our present. We are the sum of our experiences and our reactions to them so it makes sense to be a student of history (there are a few politicians I know who could use a good personal history lesson, but that is the subject of another blog entirely). Anyone who knows me knows that I am a bit nostalgic myself. I enjoy mythology, I memorized a few creeds and I know how to use a sword without cutting my toes off. A bit of wistfulness is not a bad thing.
Nostalgia has a dirty side too. There comes a time when we look to the past at the expense of the future. I am going to call this condition “stasis” and I fear it is all over the Body of Christ. “If we could get back to the early church, If we could be more like John Wesley, If we could party like its 1611, If…If…If…” I am saddened to hear these kinds of phrases come out of Christian mouths because it is often in resignation. Things are not like they were. Nothing good can happen and so we do nothing. We begin preaching the past and not the gospel by making people convert to a previous era of thinking and talking (KJV anyone?) and not to a present and living Christ.
Apart from Christ we can do nothing. Without Him the Church will wither up and die. Be as culturally relevant as you want and without him you might as well preach the sky is falling. Conversely if we do nothing to bring Christ into the 21st century I am not so sure he is going to be in that either. If Christ is relevant today why do we keep him rooted in the past? Sometimes we act like he is dead and waiting for us to resurrect him through ancestor worship or something. He is alive at present and calling for us to meet Him. He is in the people who are currently poor, naked, and hungry. I think He is waiting for us to reach them in their language. He reached us in ours. He left his heavenly home are we going to leave the ivory pulpit?
The only constant is change. We can never go back to the good old days. We can’t count on the righteous past to give us a righteous future. We have no future without a Christ-centered and forward-thinking present. I love the past and in my life I desire some of the traits of my forebears. I admire their courage and love but if I am not fleshing out those traits today then their legacy is lost. Let’s not get stuck in stasis and get left behind. Let’s go to the frontlines and give the future something to remember
Are you in stasis? What are you doing to connect to Christ today? Do you find yourself constantly afraid of anything new or innovative? Why is that?
Talk amongst yourselves
-J
Reverse Axiom: If you do nothing it will certainly be without Him – Justin Gentry
We tend to like things as they were. Old timers are notorious for this, “In my day we (insert nostalgic nonsense about walking up hill both ways which I know is impossible).” Anyone who has graduated college is almost as bad, “I remember in school we…” Even kids fall victim to it, “Last year we…” Face it folks, we all compare today with the past.
The past is the only context we have to interpret our present. We are the sum of our experiences and our reactions to them so it makes sense to be a student of history (there are a few politicians I know who could use a good personal history lesson, but that is the subject of another blog entirely). Anyone who knows me knows that I am a bit nostalgic myself. I enjoy mythology, I memorized a few creeds and I know how to use a sword without cutting my toes off. A bit of wistfulness is not a bad thing.
Nostalgia has a dirty side too. There comes a time when we look to the past at the expense of the future. I am going to call this condition “stasis” and I fear it is all over the Body of Christ. “If we could get back to the early church, If we could be more like John Wesley, If we could party like its 1611, If…If…If…” I am saddened to hear these kinds of phrases come out of Christian mouths because it is often in resignation. Things are not like they were. Nothing good can happen and so we do nothing. We begin preaching the past and not the gospel by making people convert to a previous era of thinking and talking (KJV anyone?) and not to a present and living Christ.
Apart from Christ we can do nothing. Without Him the Church will wither up and die. Be as culturally relevant as you want and without him you might as well preach the sky is falling. Conversely if we do nothing to bring Christ into the 21st century I am not so sure he is going to be in that either. If Christ is relevant today why do we keep him rooted in the past? Sometimes we act like he is dead and waiting for us to resurrect him through ancestor worship or something. He is alive at present and calling for us to meet Him. He is in the people who are currently poor, naked, and hungry. I think He is waiting for us to reach them in their language. He reached us in ours. He left his heavenly home are we going to leave the ivory pulpit?
The only constant is change. We can never go back to the good old days. We can’t count on the righteous past to give us a righteous future. We have no future without a Christ-centered and forward-thinking present. I love the past and in my life I desire some of the traits of my forebears. I admire their courage and love but if I am not fleshing out those traits today then their legacy is lost. Let’s not get stuck in stasis and get left behind. Let’s go to the frontlines and give the future something to remember
Are you in stasis? What are you doing to connect to Christ today? Do you find yourself constantly afraid of anything new or innovative? Why is that?
Talk amongst yourselves
-J
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Practical Atheism
Deism= It is the practice of atheism with the belief in God.
– Justin’s Dictionary of Religious Terms and Paraphernalia
Have you ever been tempted by atheism? No god or person to tell you what to do; you are the standard. You don’t have to depend on anyone but yourself and you don’t have to be accountable to anyone either. When there is a problem you don’t have to ask some god for help…you can do it yourself and get the credit. You don’t have to buy into all this humility, patience and love stuff; you can be your own man/woman and do things your way.
They say that atheism is dying out as a belief, but the practice of it is far more widespread than we ever imagined. Read through the list again. Now carefully and honestly ask yourself if you are a practicing atheist. “How many times have I lived my life like this?” A person may not actually think or say, “I want it my way and no other” but a person often lives that way.
It is all too easy to be a believing Christian but a practicing atheist. We can go about our day believing that God is there yet acting like he is not. We pray like he can help but won’t wait for his timing. When crisis strikes we will have faith enough to say a few words but keep the more practical matters of business to ourselves. In confession, I will wear him gladly on my sleeve but often fail to hide him in my heart.
How many days have I lived centered on my problems and my solutions? How many times have I let the practical rule out the divine? We live in a country founded by Deists of which I am often the worst. I will ask him to bless the building but not the finances, the sermon but not the study, and the program but not the planning.
Some might think I am splitting hairs or that I am too idealistic and young. Yeah it is probably true, but I am not sure that it is a bad thing. I remember a time when I wasn’t so practical. I believed there was a way to graduate college debt free even when all seemed impossible, I believed I could be a pastor despite my checkered past, I believed I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me…and he did. I remember a day when I wasn’t so practical and I intend to return there.
Are you a practicing atheist? Where does the road to recovery lay? Do you see it as a problem or just “good common sense”?
Talk amongst yourselves
– Justin’s Dictionary of Religious Terms and Paraphernalia
Have you ever been tempted by atheism? No god or person to tell you what to do; you are the standard. You don’t have to depend on anyone but yourself and you don’t have to be accountable to anyone either. When there is a problem you don’t have to ask some god for help…you can do it yourself and get the credit. You don’t have to buy into all this humility, patience and love stuff; you can be your own man/woman and do things your way.
They say that atheism is dying out as a belief, but the practice of it is far more widespread than we ever imagined. Read through the list again. Now carefully and honestly ask yourself if you are a practicing atheist. “How many times have I lived my life like this?” A person may not actually think or say, “I want it my way and no other” but a person often lives that way.
It is all too easy to be a believing Christian but a practicing atheist. We can go about our day believing that God is there yet acting like he is not. We pray like he can help but won’t wait for his timing. When crisis strikes we will have faith enough to say a few words but keep the more practical matters of business to ourselves. In confession, I will wear him gladly on my sleeve but often fail to hide him in my heart.
How many days have I lived centered on my problems and my solutions? How many times have I let the practical rule out the divine? We live in a country founded by Deists of which I am often the worst. I will ask him to bless the building but not the finances, the sermon but not the study, and the program but not the planning.
Some might think I am splitting hairs or that I am too idealistic and young. Yeah it is probably true, but I am not sure that it is a bad thing. I remember a time when I wasn’t so practical. I believed there was a way to graduate college debt free even when all seemed impossible, I believed I could be a pastor despite my checkered past, I believed I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me…and he did. I remember a day when I wasn’t so practical and I intend to return there.
Are you a practicing atheist? Where does the road to recovery lay? Do you see it as a problem or just “good common sense”?
Talk amongst yourselves
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
What should I do?
Here is a real life situation that I am trying to figure out. My church is in the middle of a building project and I have to choice of one of two rooms to base the youth ministry out of. One is the old sanctuary and the other is a triangular room next to the new sanctuary. Both are bigger than the current room and have much higher ceilings.
Sanctuary: Has a pretty old school feel but it has lots of potential. It already has a sound system and screen. We would have to replace the lighting and clear out some stuff. There are some storage rooms to the side and I am considering making one of them a prayer room. The catch is I have already been unofficially warned that I should not do any “youthifying” for at least a year, if ever or I might upset some folks.
Side room: The side room has the advantage of an outside door and it is bare so we can do anything we want to it. The cons are that it does border the new sanctuary so noise level might be a problem, but considering it has no sound equipment in it that might not be so bad. It also does not look that much bigger than our already cramped current room.
The trade offs are pretty simple. Go with the side room and don’t rock the boat but loose space and money or go with the sanctuary and get more space and save money but possibly get stuck with it as is or remodel anyway and make some key folks unhappy. It is a bit of a catch 22 so what should I do?
Deep in my heart I know that style should not matter and that worship can take place in a bare room. Yes, for the believer style should not matter. We should be ready to worship at all times and with all places and styles. But, we are not trying to reach believers are we. It is not the healthy that need a doctor…it is the sick.
I am not sure what room I will take but I do know that that room will be dedicated to the kids in my area. If that means someone’s feelings are hurt because I replace the 60’s wood paneling with something a little modern, so be it. If I have to drain the budget to make a bare room feel inviting, so be it. I am not after the coolness factor I am after the relevant factor. Shouldn’t we be all things to all people?
What do you think I should do? What other things am I not considering?
Sanctuary: Has a pretty old school feel but it has lots of potential. It already has a sound system and screen. We would have to replace the lighting and clear out some stuff. There are some storage rooms to the side and I am considering making one of them a prayer room. The catch is I have already been unofficially warned that I should not do any “youthifying” for at least a year, if ever or I might upset some folks.
Side room: The side room has the advantage of an outside door and it is bare so we can do anything we want to it. The cons are that it does border the new sanctuary so noise level might be a problem, but considering it has no sound equipment in it that might not be so bad. It also does not look that much bigger than our already cramped current room.
The trade offs are pretty simple. Go with the side room and don’t rock the boat but loose space and money or go with the sanctuary and get more space and save money but possibly get stuck with it as is or remodel anyway and make some key folks unhappy. It is a bit of a catch 22 so what should I do?
Deep in my heart I know that style should not matter and that worship can take place in a bare room. Yes, for the believer style should not matter. We should be ready to worship at all times and with all places and styles. But, we are not trying to reach believers are we. It is not the healthy that need a doctor…it is the sick.
I am not sure what room I will take but I do know that that room will be dedicated to the kids in my area. If that means someone’s feelings are hurt because I replace the 60’s wood paneling with something a little modern, so be it. If I have to drain the budget to make a bare room feel inviting, so be it. I am not after the coolness factor I am after the relevant factor. Shouldn’t we be all things to all people?
What do you think I should do? What other things am I not considering?
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